The Parenting Paradox #author Dr Jenny Brown

 The Parenting Paradox: Loving Our Children by Giving Them Space to Grow

Many devoted parents instinctively step in to protect and guide their children yet struggle knowing when to step back. While "helicopter parenting" is widely discouraged, parents are often left without clear, practical alternatives.

In The Parenting Paradox: Loving Our Children by Giving Them Space to Grow, Dr. Jenny Brown offers a new perspective--not about loving less, but about shifting the anxious energy that often comes with deep parental care to a more constructive type of love. Dr. Brown sheds light on the cultural forces shaping today's intensive parenting, revealing how well-meaning advice can often undermine a parent's growth and confidence. Through real-life experiences and professional insights, she challenges the message that constant intervention is necessary for a child to flourish and instead provides a thoughtful, lasting approach to fostering independence.

Rather than offering a quick fix or the latest parenting trend, The Parenting Paradox provides a sustainable path forward. Dr. Brown helps parents navigate their own fears while giving their children space to build confidence and resilience. And in creating that space, parents also grow, gaining clarity in their role so they can become the loving leaders they aspire to be.

To connect with Jenny ...
https://parenthopeproject.com.au/the-parenting-paradox-new-book-2026-bloomsbury/
https://parenthopeproject.com.au/parent-resources/
https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-parent-hope-project/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenny-brown-phd/ 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

It's good morning, Dr. Jenny Brown. Welcome to Yellow Shelf. Hi, Joe. Great to be here. Thank you for joining us. This is your first time. I'm excited because you're you you know you're a seasoned publisher author. Your book, your latest book, congratulations, uh, is available for pre-order and out now. Tell us all about the parenting paradox.

unknown 0:28

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

The parenting paradox, it's a book I've been writing in my head for over a decade from my work with parents and research in the parenting space. It explores the challenges facing many modern parents. This whole challenge that we love our children deeply, we want the best for them, but so often that love can just lead us to over-protect, overmanage, overstep. And so the paradox that I'm presenting is the qualities we most want in our children, their resilience, resourcefulness, independence, responsibility, all those things. They develop through our kids having the experience of their trial and error, not through our instant protection and intervention. So that's the whole idea behind this book. It's showing parents another way, how to support their children without taking over. Yeah, I do want to put intensive parenting in its cultural context. So the book is not all a list of how-tos about parenting, it's understanding what shaped modern parenting, all the cultural pressures. And yet I also have written a book. I I takes the guilt load off parents by giving them practical, manageable ways to be connected, and in a way that helps their children to grow. Hence the subtitle, Loving Our Children by Giving Them Space to Grow. So that's a child.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

So I'm a parent, and um, you know, I wrestle with the juggles, the um, yeah, the the the influxes of good, the bad, the indifferent, but I often try and hold the mirror up to myself. Or I talk to my husband about the way we want to parent, and you know, so like we we have conversations, but it's still hard. Like, and I think that's what I like about your book. It kind of gives gives permission to be understanding and kind to ourselves as parents.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

Absolutely. Yeah, I'm the last thing parents want is more guilt, but what I also know that parents are looking for when they're feeling anxious and un, which I get. There are so many mixed messages out there about what kids need, how do parents parent that parents are looking for expert advice all the time. And I this is a paradox because I've moved into that space of I guess being an expert, but I don't want parents to become dependent on us experts or the influencers online. I want parents, as you say, to hold that mirror up to ourselves to be able to re get claim our identity, clarity, have a way forward, and not be constantly looking for the next piece of advice, a new parenting style that everyone's talking about. I really wanted a book grounded in research, in a clear family systems theory that parents can go back to over and over at each stage of their child's development and life. And and the other thing, Joe, I think we all have heard the dangers about helicopter parenting, but but um parents don't know how to get out of it. What's the off-ramp from it? It's the air that parent modern parenting breathes is parenting has become such a high-stakes endeavor. And so I wanted a book that helped parents reclaim their identity and find a way out of intensive parenting, and and so I use some diagrams and some descriptions of the cycles we get into because when we can recognize, oh, I'm in that pattern with that particular child of mine over and over again, it isn't working, I'm adding fuel to either the child's dependency and neediness or the child's defiance and agitation. And when I help parents recognize these really predictable cycles and patterns so that they know how they can step out of them. And the project is not getting our children to be different and getting them out of the cycle, it's the magic is getting ourselves out of it, and then our children start lifting up and doing a whole lot better.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

And Jenny, I'm you know, I'm gonna share because you know, this is real for me. That's what I liked about the book was you know, like if one of my children, you know, goes into the quiet zone, I instantly think, what's wrong? What situation's wrong? What should I say? Do you know? But I do find myself now just stopping, like stopping and not, you know, going down this rabbit hole. So um, yeah, there's that balance of caring, but just not catastrophizing, but you know, just not just pausing.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Yeah, pause is a wonderful thing. One of the ideas that runs all the way through this book and the work that I do in the Parent Hope project as well is helping parents work on what's in my control to change. So we don't make a project out of trying to change our kids or our parenting partner for that matter. But the pause is one of the things we can always do. It's hard to do at times when we're worried and anxious, and that quiet child in the corner, it does trigger our natural protectiveness. So it's very hard to restrain that. Yeah, but and and parents are fearful that if they restrain that and step back a little bit, that maybe they're missing something that they they should be on to to help their child. And I do think that parents need to be encouraged that instead of rushing in, this stepping back that we can do also enables us to get curious about what's going on for me as a parent here. What are my worries? What are my fears? How can I keep them from taking over? We don't want a parent out of worry or fear, and being really curious about how are our children going to find their way through? Being a quieter child or a more active child who's got loads of energy, who is always pushing back, to be curious, watch our children grow through life rather than feel that we've got to always manage them.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

So well said. Jenny, do you want to tell me about um writing this book and why, like why now? You've written many books. Um, you you mentioned your work with the Parent Hope Project. So you've you've been working in this space in a long time. Tell us about what inspired you to write the book now.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Yeah, well, it's personal and professional. I did come across Dr. Murray Bowen's family systems theory when I was studying and working in the United States in the early 90s. And I just thought, oh, this theory gives so much understanding of the patterns we're all in and in our families, in my life and the families that I'd been working with. But truly, Joe, the real turnaround that determined this book was the one I needed to write was when I was a researcher, and I researched at a mental health unit with adolescence in a partial hospitalization unit. I researched the parents' experience of their seeking help for their child, their teen, and what it was like to navigate that. And there was one parent, a mom I interviewed, who said to me, I just don't get why my daughter is struggling so much, because we've thrown so much love at her, and she has such a supportive family, and my other kids are doing fine. How is it that this child, who I've always sensed needed me as her security blanket, how is it that she's struggling? And that really is my impetus for writing the book, this common pattern that parents are doing more but feeling less effective. And why are their children less independent, even though they're receiving more support from parents and external experts and programs that we get our kids into? And I just saw that this there is another way through this to redirect the love that we have, particularly for the child we sense is most vulnerable. It's different with all of our children. That's where our love can get in the way of our kids' growth when we sense their vulnerability and we react to that vulnerability. So I saw the value of parents, particularly in my research in that mental health space. I saw the value of parents getting involved in changing their part in patterns as a way that they could see they could make a difference for their kids. They could make a difference for their child's recovery. Now, the book is not all about kids who are in the more serious end of the mental health vulnerability. It's for all parents. But truly, it's my research in the child and young person's mental health space that has been the key impetus for wanting to get answered the questions that I was hearing parents was so confused about. I wanted to put that into a book that had depth to it. So it is published by Bloomsbury Academic. It's for general audience, but it's a publishing house that wants depth in the book. It's a beautiful hardcover so that it's not just for this phase of my kids' lives. I wanted a book that parents could keep returning to at each stage.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Yeah. Well, it's definitely that. Jenny, do you want to um quickly tell us? I noticed you've got a podcast show. I do.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

I do indeed. The Parent Hope podcast is something I've been doing for a few years now, a podcast to help parents reclaim their hope and their confidence and agency, covering a whole lot of different topics, lots of interesting guests. And the common theme in every podcast is, and I know parents are looking for how do I manage my child, but I want to open up for parents, there are things you can manage about yourself that can really lead to your children doing better. So it's about how what's in parents' control to adjust about themselves. And it's been a joy to do the podcast, have some great guests, and actually, after every guest, two weeks after it, something new I started this year. I do a mini podcast answering parents' questions about the guest podcast. And and would you believe it, my husband who's now retired, I've somehow managed to get him out of retirement and being my interviewer in my other podcasts. We're having some fun with that.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

It is, you know what? People need to go and watch. I've watched and listened. It's it's um it's informative and entertaining. Um, Jenny, I'm gonna put a link into the show notes to the book, maybe to the podcast. Um, do you want to point us in the direction? Are you on socials? Do you have a website? Sure, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

Website, look up Parent Hope Project, look up jennybrown.info. And ParentHope Project is on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn. We have a little YouTube channel starting to grow. And I'm also, you can find me on LinkedIn as well.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Jenny, thanks for joining us. I'll put those links in the show notes to make it easy for anyone listening or watching to connect with the book and to connect with you and the podcast. Thanks for joining us. Thank you for having me, Joe. Cheers.